By Ron Sulla
Name: Ted “Easy C” Cruz
Hobbies: Misinterpreting the Constitution, Rollerblading, “those hip hoverboard things”
Biggest Asset: Nose.
Net Worth: More than you.
Notable Accomplishments: Featured in Buzzfeeds “Top 200 Pastiest Skin” article, Kids Choice awards 2013 nominee. (Lost out to Selena Gomez in the “Choice Female Hottie” category).
Favorite animal: Donald Trump (he said “Ferrets” but same thing, right?)
Theory of Evolution? Hell naw.
Global warming? Hahahahaha.
Pet Peeves: Poor work ethic and those weird people that decide to sit right next to you on the bus when there are literally tons of open seats around you.
Three words that describe him: “Easy, breezy, beautiful”
Favorite emoji: “The kissy face one:”