by Lena Auerbach
*Disclaimer: Everything said in this story is satire and reflects the opinions of Donald Trump, not myself
It’s a Monday morning. You wake up to the sound of your alarm, the great president Donald Trump reciting his inaugural address, his voice soothing you like sweet honey. You’re late! You push open your curtains and see the sun shining, reflecting off the giant steel wall separating the U.S. from Mexico. You get ready and run outside, so quickly you almost knock over the mandatory Trump flag in your yard. On the bus ride, you drive past the streets filled with the Trump-ordered “short guys in yarmulkes” counting his money. Most of them aren’t even Jewish. They just need jobs. They look up at you as you pass, their dead eyes boring into your soul. They know your secrets. Once you finally arrive at school, you rush into the classroom just as the pledge is starting. You stand up and recite “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the Trump States of America. And to the republic of which it stands, one nation, under Donald, individual, with liberty and justice for all who are Christian and white.” You all sit down and listen to the teacher begin the lesson. He is wearing a toupee. You are all wearing toupees. “First order of business” your teacher says. “Your assignment today is to write an essay on why our president’s comment on his willingness to date his daughter isn’t creepy, but perfectly acceptable.” You try to start some research on your computer, but most of the websites you want to get your support from are blocked by your school’s server. Luckily, the bell rings and you head off to your journalism class. There is no teacher. There are no handouts. There is one phrase on the board: “You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” You gasp. He was here. Suddenly, all of your classmates surround you. They are all spray-tanned. Their toupees are falling off. You try to scream, but they silence you. “It’s freezing and snowing in New York. We need global warming!” They chant. They will not stop. Will they ever stop? It depends… Trump for 2020?