Yellow Baron

 Pirates

 It is for good reason that the final debate of the Debate-a-Bowl is between Pirates and Ninjas. This debate has evolved from its humble origins as an internet joke between various online subcultures into the legendary conflict that now divides a nation. Today, the debate remains the quintessential contest of our generation, calling forth the most brilliant minds from all corners of the earth to take part in this most glorious of all intellectual jousts. Just as the Lincoln-Douglas debates over slavery in 1858 transformed the American political psyche, this debate has permanently and fundamentally revolutionized American culture and society. Yet despite the passion and energy displayed by each side in both these debates, there can only ever be one victor and one loser. The Civil War and 13^th Amendment would finally vindicate Abraham Lincoln and destroy the vile and contemptible institution of slavery in America; and today I write with total confidence that in the not-so-distant future, without a doubt all Americans will finally understand that pirates are far superior to ninjas.

 The fundamental problem with the ninja argument is that ninjas don’t actually exist. They never have. In fact, the word “ninja” isn’t even Japanese!  It is the incorrect pronunciation of a completely different word: “shinobi.” When I asked my Japanese teacher about ninjas, she laughed and said she had never heard of ninjas before coming to America. The Japanese shinobi does have an extensive history, but it does not have the traditions or practices most people associate with ninjas. 

 Many westerners claim that the shinobi of early Japan ascribed to some honorable code of conduct, a code that defined their style of warfare and dictated their way of life. This too is completely untrue. The code most westerners are referring to is known as “ninjutsu.” Westerners believe that it teaches shinobi secret techniques of martial arts, enabling them to fly through the air and run across water. This could not be further from the truth. In reality, the term “shinobi” refers simply to guerilla warfare.  The same term is often used by Japanese media when discussing Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan and Pakistan. There is also practically no evidence to support the claim that any form of unique ninjutsu martial arts exists. While many shinobi were trained in martial arts, most simply studied karate. When in fact Japanese con-artists began their own neo-ninja dojos in America, they were often found guilty of fraud for copying karate and tae-kwan-do. 

 While the history of the ninja is dubious at best, there can be no doubting the existence of piracy. The 17^th and 18^th centuries saw the rise of piracy as a truly international superpower. Piracy grew so powerful that Queen Elizabeth decided to emulate their techniques in her war against Spain. While many legendary pirates grew to be household names in Europe, none was as infamous as Blackbeard. Blackbeard has gone down in history as perhaps the single most feared man of all time. He was so fierce that he was even known to light his own beard on fire to intimidate captives. His many daring and bold accomplishments were so vicious they could grind national economies to a halt. One notable instance was Blackbeard’s blockade of Charleston, shutting down all trade and bringing on massive riots throughout the city. To put this feat into context, Britain never managed to successfully blockade Charleston during the American Revolution, and it took the Union army three years to impose an effective blockade during the Civil War.

 Nobody doubts the legendary accomplishments of pirates in the past, but history aside, piracy today continues to dominate global society. Somali pirates continue to ravage the Gulf of Aden and east coast of Africa. These pirates are as bold as their predecessors hundreds of years ago, unafraid to attack the largest American and European ships. This issue has grown so serious that there are currently over 80 ships and several thousand sailors representing 27 nations patrolling the waters off the coast of Somalia. But this isn’t the only way piracy affects us today. Who among us hasn’t bought pirated DVDs in Chinatown or downloaded pirated songs off limewire? Piracy of the digital age has proved all but impossible to control or regulate.

 America, there can be not one iota of doubt whatsoever that pirates are far superior to ninjas.  Just think, what is more intimidating, a skinny Japanese dude with some sticks, or a big, fat, half-drunk British dude with a hook instead of a hand? 

vs. 

Hoodie Baron

Ninjas

What is the main difference between pirates and ninjas?  In one word, skill.  Ninjas are swift, silent, and deadly.  Pirates are slow and vulgar, always two steps behind everyone else. 

Ninjas are all about control, both mental and physical.  They undergo intense training that allows them to become fast, fantastic fighters and to disappear into thin air.  Their abilities are legendary.  Pirates have no talent, and consider themselves cool just because they have parrots on their shoulders that say obscene things.  To be honest, the parrots are probably ten times more awesome that the pirates.

 A few days ago, I was walking down the hallway when I overheard two kids discussing their science teacher who becomes a superhero at night.  “I bet he takes his enemies down with deadly accuracy,” one kid said.  “Like a ninja!”  Obviously the two students were joking (everyone knows all the B-CC superheroes are members of the English department), but I realized what they were saying was important. 

People say “like a ninja” all the time when describing people who are skilled in some way.  If someone runs especially quickly or figures out a problem in a new, smart way, we tell them that they’re “like a ninja.”  Has anyone ever said “like a pirate”?  Sure, I suppose if someone were particularly uncoordinated or crude we would say that he or she is like a pirate.  But that would definitely not be a compliment. 

 In a fight, a ninja could cut a pirate to ribbons.  Imagine a fight scene: on one side, a ninja, elegant, poised, arced sword raised and ready to attack.  On the other side, a pirate, drunk and slobbering, slightly off-kilter, with an untrained arm haphazardly brandishing a sword.

 A ninja is cool and collected.  A pirate is volatile and sloppy.  Let’s face it: at the end of the day, pirates are just the rejects of society looking for an excuse to steal and plunder, while ninjas are elite fighters.

 It’s the difference between a freshman’s half-complete BCR and an upperclassman’s masterpiece of an essay.  One is gross and not quite whole, an awkward mélange of mediocrity. The other is a myriad of rhetorical devices and ingenious analysis, artfully weaved together into work of art.

 Is there any doubt that ninjas are superior?  They’re fast, they’re dexterous, and they’re the epitome of mental and physical strength and control.  Pirates may draw an argument out, trying to overpower their foes with a mere count of words.  Ninjas, on the other hand, know that a couple of good points and stabs in the right places will render an opponent defenseless.  They know that quality trumps quantity. 

 I do believe Hoodie Baron just took Yellow Baron down… like a ninja.