She lurks around every corner, you see her face when you close her eyes she’s what makes high school students sleep with one eye open. That’s right, it’s Homecoming time! It’s that time of year again. You can almost smell the rejection, or is it the sweat of nervous teens preparing for rejection?

                Homecoming is the cause of much stress for many teens, so here is a guide for how to get the date of your choice guaranteed.

                But what is Homecoming? And where did the term “Homecoming” even come from? These are both really good questions. Really really good questions. Anyway moving on!

                My first tip for a proposal is three fold. Location location location! That’s right. Surprisingly if you chose the right setting she/he might even see right past your blood red face and your “So um… I was um… I was wondering” yadah yadah yadah. “But what type of location is best?” Good question. “thank you” oh no problem, it’s totally a logical one to ask. “very true”. Pick a location where he/she feels… secure. A back alleyway or any corner will do. Remember you are trying to get a “yes” but a “please leave me alone” really is a yes when you squint and take a lot of Advil. So the trick here is to ensure one of these two responses and you sir/mam have yourself a date!  

                Tip number two. Get someone to pity you. A date out of pity still makes you look pretty. Don’t be afraid to shout or cry, make them sad inside.

My girlfriend wouldn’t even go with me. How’s that for fair?

                Pfsht. What does it even matter? No one actually likes Homecoming. Loud music, dim lights, awkward dancing? Who needs it? Homecoming is just a social construction designed to parse the weak from the strong. A date? Proving your worth with a date? How primal, how outdated? People should be judged for the content of their character not their capacity for a mate to like that character…

                Who am I kidding? If you know anyone send them my way. Guy or girl, as long as they can hug me. I don’t even need them to have two arms. If you want to find me just stand up and scream, I’ll be there