by Lena Auerbach

We’ve all heard the news… water on Mars! NASA recently announced that the liquid of life was running through the deep sandy valleys of the red planet. For years, Mars has been drier than your ten-year-old’s water bottle after a tough soccer practice. This is an incredible scientific discovery, but as a country, we want more. America wants more. We want swimming pools. We want showers. Donald Trump would like to be able to relax in a hot tub that’s “out of this world”. To be honest, we’re quite disappointed. Who cares about some water on Mars? I mean, it’s not like anyone is drinking it or anything. Except for maybe the little aliens we all know are up there… Give it up, Obama! We’re all clued in on the government secrets these days. This is the last straw… leaving the water up there to some tiny plants or whatever just makes no sense. We have plants down here on Earth. What we don’t have are incredibly cool Mars pools.

This just in… NASA has reported that due to the lack of gravity and oxygen in space, pools on Mars may be a little bit harder than anticipated by the Republican party. Who knew they weren’t experts on science and how the human body works? Shocking, absolutely shocking. Luckily, no one’s giving up this easily. Just because space helmets may take away from the pool vibe certainly does not mean this issue is over. This is the U.S., the land of opportunity. If swimming pools on Mars don’t reflect that, I honestly don’t know what does. Wake up, America. NASA is playing you. They want to keep all of the water for their little organisms growing on their little planet. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the science talk. Remember the worthy causes. Fight back.

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