Black and White Baron – iPhone

  1. The latest iPhone was cut by diamonds! This makes it sleek, classy, and damn near perfect. Android phones are glued together pieces of car, picked up from a four way collision that left 50 dead.
  2. Android: A robot that looks and thinks like a human. Is that really what you want in a phone? No. You don’t want something that might act on its own. You want an iPhone.
  3. In Vietnam, an iPhone protected my father from a near fatal bullet wound. His buddy had an Android and was killed by napalm.
  4. iPhone has iTunes. Android has…? A sketchy music app? You can’t listen to the Beatles with that. Only iTunes.
  5. Apple Maps app lets you discover your own path, even if there’s nothing to drive on.  My friend used the map app on an Android when he went camping and he was eaten by a bear.
  6. The third Reich communicated through the use of Android phones. The Allies were successfully able to decode secret Nazi messages with an Enigma machine app.
  7. The interface for the iPhone is simplistic and easy to use. You swipe and all of your apps are right in front of you. Badda bing.
  8. You can ask Siri where the closest place to hide a body is.
  9. Everyone knows the name Steve Jobs, even after his death. He remains one of the biggest names in terms of technology today. What does anyone know about the creator of Android? Nothing. He is probably some kind of disturbed, lonely person, creating androids only to make him feel loved. He might even create Skynet. We just don’t know.
  10. The Facebook app actually works on the iPhone. Fact.

Fuchsia Baron – Android

1.       The iPhone is a sleek, sophisticated, unified mobile cellular platform with advanced software and a suite of highly developed applications that actually work extraordinarily well. How pompous, am I right? Get off your high horse, Apple.

2.       In the worse than third world country of North Korea, where peasants are lucky to eat, period, everyone has the iPhone. Is this true? No, but the iPhone supports oppression.

3.       The Androids mascot is an android. That’s easy. Americans like easy, simple concepts. Black and white. The iPhone doesn’t have a mascot because it’s too complex. That’s dumb.

4.       The iPhone may be cut by diamonds, but it’s also assembled by armies of underage East Asian children who work dismal hours in horrible conditions with laughable pay. Feel bad, iPhone users. Your gadget springs children suffering.

5.       The features you see in the current iPhone could have been implemented in all previous iterations of the device. Apple just wants to bring out a new iPhone every 6 months so that in total you spend the net worth of a small island nation.

6.       Signing a contract with the iPhone and a telephone company is like making a deal with the devil, except Satan’s rates are much cheaper.

7.       With the iPhone you have to buy the iPhone TM. The Android operating system gives you something Steve Jobs never could: choices. The Android is the champion of democracy; buying an iPhone is as good as supporting a despot.

8.       One word: Google. The huge, monopolistic internet company will soon be ruling the world in any case, why not trust it with your cellular desires as well?

9.       iPhone users are addicts. Every time a new model comes out they have to have it. Just say no.

10.   I hate apples. It may be the worst fruit. Does this have any bearing on the topic at hand? I’ll let you decide.