Yellow Baron

Vampires

Vampires. The living undead.  The bane of civilization.  For thousands of years, these vicious creatures have terrorized humanity, mutilated man, and struck unfathomable fear and terror into the heats of millions.  Indeed, there is no creature that is as terrifying or monstrous as is this vicious servant of Satan.  Not only are vampires the sickest, most awe inspiring creatures ever to stalk this earth, but they are also the most sensual, seductive beings that ever graced Eastern Europe (except of course for George Clooney).  There is no question, that the sheer power and might of these horrific beasts is unrivaled by any other of the devil’s servants (the clear exception being Sarah Palin).

The sheer notion, that a pathetic werewolf could challenge the dominance of the vampire is completely baseless.  Werewolves are and always will be, cowardly, sad, and pusillanimous excuses for monsters.  There is nothing terrifying about a man who can grow a lot of hair and become crazy on a regular basis.  In America, we simply call those people alcoholics.  In fact, there is nothing at all interesting about werewolves.  What exactly about the werewolf should small children fear?  Is it the complete knowledge of exactly when they will morph?  Or perhaps it is the understanding that most werewolves actually are really nice guys who mean well.

The vampire today is so terrifying that all children, large or small, know exactly what to fear.  They know to fear black capes and men with European accents.  They know to fear large, looming castles with imposing towers and turrets.  But most importantly, they know to fear any creature that in any way shape or form resembles a bat.  The simple screech of a bat is enough to send millions running in terror.  That is the power that is the vampire.

vs.

Blue Baron

Werewolves

I’ll admit it. Vampires have good lobbyists. They have enjoyed some serious media attention recently. But, that does not mean vampires deserve to be at the top of the “greatest monsters” list. Werewolves do.

Criterion One: Which would you rather be?
Criterion Two: Which kicks more behind?

Criterion 1. You’d rather be a werewolf. Don’t let Hollywood pull the cheesy cape over your eyes. Vampires do not look like Robert Pattinson. Vampires look the way you would look if you spent…say eternity… in your parent’s basement. Think Nosferatu. Think rat with wings and opposable thumbs.

And, don’t let Hollywood convince you that Vampires do well in the love department. The abdominal snowman could find love if he was at it for thousands of years. For every time a vampire gets someone to fall in love, there are thousands of cold shoulders and missed arteries. In contrast, werewolves do not go around worrying about love and BFF’s. They live in the here and now. There are 12.37 full moons in a year. Werewolves have to make each one count. They act on every impulse. And, best of all, they wake up, go to their day jobs: no guilt and no one the wiser.

Criterion 2. Werewolves are a seriously tough out. They do not sleep during the day. They love their meat with garlic. And, they are not scared of mirrors. In fact, they cannot get enough of themselves in mirrors.

In recent years, the vulnerability gap between Vampires and Werewolves has grown greater because night hunters have focused on going after Vampires. With the unfortunate decimation of bat populations, Vampires have become far easier to locate. And, wooden stakes are recession proof. Few hunters are willing to buy silver bullets in these hard times?

Werewolves are where it’s at.