Revenge is a Dish Best Served…Crazy

By Zach Weinberg, Synthesizer of the Misfit

I’m going to start off with a proverb today: “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.” I’ll bet that you’ve heard this before: it’s a phrase as old as time (or at least as old as the late 1800s…but I digress), and one that is said often. But what you often don’t hear is that most revenge isn’t just cold: it can be 110%, over-the-top hot-blooded crazy shenanigans. Apropos of no special occasion, I’ve decided to share some of these stories with you – because some people just get back at others with such flair that you can’t do anything other than stare in wonder.

We begin in Houston, Texas in the fall of 2009. It’s possibly a bright sun-shiny day, and one can assume it’s hot (it is Texas, after all). But amidst all of this warmth, a woman is going to do something very, very cold (don’t you just love the dramatic telling?) to her ex-lover. A Houston man has recently experienced a bad break-up, and he and his lady friend have recently parted ways. As anyone who’s gone through a bad break-up knows, the story just never ends there, and the unnamed man and his wife had quite the argument when he tried to reclaim some jewelry he had given to her as gifts.

His ex felt quite upset by this, quite upset indeed. So what medium did she choose to pay him back for his rudeness? Did she harass him, vandalize his car, his house, his face? If she did any of these things, we would probably just shake our heads and talk about what a shame it was. No, she choose to exact her revenge through this:

Seven of these, actually. You see, during happier days, the man and his lady had purchased seven goldfish to keep as pets. Goldfish, however, aren’t exactly the most violent animals, so she had to come up with a more creative way to use them against her ex, and what better way than to eat them? That’s right. She ate them.

The story, as reported by Police Spokesperson Vance Mitchell, goes like this: one day, after the argument, the man arrived home to find his goldfish missing. Assuming, quite rightly, that the goldfish didn’t just up and run away, he called 911 and reported a petnapping. It may sound funny, but someone’s got to take care of petnapping, and since Ace Ventura was tied up elsewhere, the officers of the law were sent out to find out what happened to this poor man’s beloved fish buddies. When the police arrived at the woman’s apartment – and one can assume that this happened shortly after he called…I mean, where else would they search? – they discovered a woman sitting at the dining room table, as well as this:

The Houston police, being smarter than the average bear, deduced that these goldfish were most likely the stolen goldfish, but noticed that three of them were missing (yes, I know there should be four in the picture, but it gives you a general idea). As we covered before, someone had to have aided in the disappearance of these three critters, so they asked the woman where the missing three were. Want to guess where they were? She had eaten them, just like I mentioned up there. You’re probably pretty skeptical of this, but this woman truly took these seven bad boys home, fried ‘em up (presumably with a pan and some peanut oil) and gulped down three of them.

The case, however, has been ruled as a civil case rather than a criminal one, so the woman doesn’t face harsh repercussions, if any at all. Because there’s nothing more civil than eating the family pets. Yum.

The next case of revenge is more severe, but is also more fitting to the crime – Just Desserts, if you will (rather than Just Appetizers). Close your metaphoric eyes, but keep your literal ones open so that you can continue to read, and imagine yourself in the state of Wisconsin during 2009′s August. Things are pretty warm, and one may assume that there are trees about, and it’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining in the sky, the birds are chirping, and everything seems good…but things are about to take an ugly turn for Donessa Davis.

The day certainly started out well for him: he had just received a call from Therese Ziemann, a lady-friend of his, telling him that if he met her in her motel room, she would give him a massage (HINT: They met through Craigslist). He traveled to the motel room where they had been meeting to secretly make whoopie for two months, and was undoubtedly quite excited for his massage. According to the story written by Mail Online World News’ Paul Thomas, the man then allowed himself to be blindfolded and tied to the bed, but rather than just Therese, he got two other of his lovers. And all three were very, very angry with him.

For you see, Ms. Ziemann was not the man’s only special friend: Wendy Sewell and Michelle Belliveau had also been sharing some serious alone time with Mr. Davis. These Craigslist crusaders were, as you can tell from the picture, less than pleased with Mr. Davis, as the sneaky man had told them all that they were his only no-pants-dancers. But these women were merely the foot soldiers of anger, for though they had been scorned and used, there was one woman who was more tormented than any of these three. One woman who was quite close to Mr. Davis, and who was blissfully unaware of his illicit playdates. One woman who discovered his dirty little secret(s) and engineered the whole plot that we left nearly at fruition. This woman was, of course, his wife: friends, meet Tracy Hood-Davis.

That’s right, he was married and soliciting himself on Craigslist…classy, eh? Apparently the three ladies up above weren’t enough for Mr. Davis’ primitive pleasure, and he had been doing the bad boogie with as many as five women, not counting his betrothed. So Ms. Hood-Davis called up our three dangerous ladies and set up a fitting punishment for Mr. Davis, which we will now resume.

Right after the women ran into the room, they ripped his blindfold off, and Mr. Davis suddenly realized that he was in for more than a massage. And no, not in the way he had hoped. Apparently it began when one of the women slapped him across the face, asking him which one he loved most and which one he wanted to grow older with, as the others demanded to know if he could “handle that.” They then cut off his underpants, and Ms. Ziemann threatened him with a gun, but that wasn’t the punishment. No, the ladies’ revenge was realized when they took a whole tube of superglue and emptied it over his Little Mr. Davis, leaving the man to somehow untie himself and hobble down to the hospital to request assistance with the embarrassing issue about his issue.

All of the women have been charged with false imprisonment, and Ms. Ziemann was also charged with sexual assault and battery.

Those situations didn’t end well for anyone, and while only one of the punishments fit the crime, I’ll bet you that if you asked all five women, they’d say one thing for sure: They got their point across, and the revenge was sweet, if a little fishy and glue-y.

Now, you may return to your day as scheduled. Check in again later for some interesting tidbits about this and that!