The Art of Professional Eating

The Art of Professional Eating

October 22, 2009

By Valeria Rotella

I saw this guy the other day on The Colbert Report.

His name was Brad Sciullo. He was a competitive eater. He looked surprisingly thin. But he had just eaten a 15-pound, 30,000-calorie burger in one sitting.

What a fine example of the American athlete.

When Mr. Sciullo sat down at that table, wearing a ratty old t-shirt with the slogan “I KO’d the Italian Stallion” and finally managed to consume that grotesquely large burger, he proved anyone who believed in rational science wrong, including me. However, I´m still going to say that this guy´s heart is going to explode in 5 to 6 years.

So as I sat there, holding back the urge to vomit, I wondered: are there any other people like Mr. Sciullo?

Turns out there are. With a quick Google search for “competitive eating” I came across the website for the International Federation of Competitive Eating, or the IFOCE. They supervise eating contests all around the world, and rank the competitors according to their accomplishments.

I am so proud to report that four out of the top five competitors in the world are American. The world’s number one is a Mr. Joey Chestnut from San Jose, California. This 230-pound eating machine has wolfed down what no man has ever wanted to eat, like 7.5 pounds of Buffalo wings in 8 minutes. He has also devoured 118 jalapeno peppers in 10 minutes. The world´s number 3, Patrick Bertoletti of Chicago, can stuff down a whole turkey in 12 minutes. And Virginian Sonya Thomas can speed through 9 pounds of Crabfish Jambalaya in 10 minutes.

Yum.

The IFOCE website declared Joey Chestnut an American hero. I really hope they meant it sarcastically. I´m glad that this guy is pursuing his passion, but children shouldn’t dream of being able eat 182 chicken wings in 30 minutes.

In fact, perhaps it´s time we stop considering competitive eating a sport. It promotes an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle, and unfortunately this could become a reflection of American society. Why are people even surprised we have a health care issue in this country? How can we not, when people are stuffing themselves with fatty foods and not even bothering to exercise?

Perhaps I´m analyzing this sport from a different perspective than most Americans. I´m American, but I just spent eight years living in Europe, where people eat things like duck liver. Yes, I know that the Competitive Eating Federation is international, but you don’t find that many people on the street who look like they participate. Sure, some Europeans eat a lot. But the ingredients in food are natural and healthier and the portions are smaller.

Meanwhile, everything in this country is bigger and the pace of life is faster. So maybe speed eating is interwoven into American culture. Maybe I just have to think to myself, I´m in America now, and I have to accept that these people are going to be stuffing corn dogs down their throats or trying to eat pies in 2 minutes flat. Or I can act like a stereotypical European and look down on anything American without really understanding it.

Well, I don’t really want to be known as that kind of ignorant European. That is what these columns will be about: someone who has been influenced by both cultures exploring the colorful and bizarre of American society. The idea is to combine the perspectives of both continents to understand some of the crazy things that go on in today´s world. So I will attempt to have a more open mind.

But an attempt is only an attempt, so I cannot really hide my sarcasm when I say congratulations, Mr. Sciullo. I hope you really do accomplish your dream of “eating a live shark.” And Chestnut, Bertoletti and Thomas, you truly are national treasures and you do deserve praise for being able to spend so much time on college campuses competing in these sorts of tournaments. I wish you all long and prosperous careers.

However, if any of these athletes are diagnosed with diabetes, or choke on national television, or suffer spontaneous heart combustion, I really won´t be surprised.